Balancing act

I never thought that having 2 kids would be easy.  I still don't think it is, but so far it has only doubled the work, not tripled it like most people say.  I think the first 3 weeks were down right masterful! (is that a word?)  Things flowed beautifully to make sure Emaline was taken care of and that Gavin had plenty of attention.  Emaline was growing and thriving, and Gavin was dealing with the new addition like a champ.  I expected nothing less of him. 

These last couple of weeks have been a different story.  Emaline is still growing (really fast)! Gavin has pneumonia and is contagious.  Everyone keeps telling me to keep Emaline and Gavin away from each other and rightfully so...if Emaline gets a fever, it's an automatic trip to the hospital with IV's.  Being the primary caregiver for Emaline, I, too, have kept my distance from Gavin so I don't inadvertantly transmit something to her. So, Gavin is sick and feels  like crap and has a mommy who is very distant.  Gary has been a champ taking care of Gavin and making sure all of his emotional and physical needs are met.  But, Gary went out of town this week.  My mom has been here, and I really don't know what I would have done without her, but I still feel like Gavin needs his mommy (and/or daddy).  He has been acting out...a lot.  I feel like all of my interactions with him are yelling, nagging, correcting or punishing him.  I think it's a combination of feeling awful and not having my attention.  I feel so bad for him.  I wish I could snuggle him and make him feel better.  I wish I had the patience to deal with him and his bad behavior without lashing out.  But I can't and I don't.  Mostly because I have this new little life to protect, but how do you explain that him?  He just sees mommy spending lots of her time in her room with Emaline, away from him.  He doesn't really understand that I don't want him near her.  His little face looks so sad when I ask him to move away from her.  He loves her so much and wants to be close to her and me, especially when Daddy is out of town.  NaNa said it best that..."Gavin will never know life without a sister."  That's sweet.  But, it also stinks.  He will never know life without Emaline.  He won't remember how much fun we used to have when it was just me and him.  He was my whole world and got all of my attention.  Maybe it's a good thing that he has to share his time.  I worried about all of my attention spoiling him.  Maybe he'll be a better person because he had to share his time. Maybe it will boost his self esteem because he gets to teach her everything he knows.  I do know that he'll be ok.  And that things will get easier.  I just always hope he knows that I love him and nothing will ever change that.