I now know first hand why you should wait until the 2nd trimester (which is week 14, by the way) to tell people you are pregnant. Today at my doctors appointment, we found out that the baby had no heartbeat, and that I was in the process of a miscarriage. I think that was the hardest I've ever cried. Ever. No words can describe the disappointment and hurt I felt. We were making plans and so very excited about our new addition. We waited 6 months to get a positive pregnancy test. This baby was so wanted and already loved.
We told just about everyone we know. The doctor said that our chance to have a baby in our arms was 97%. We really liked those odds, so we told everyone. Gavin even had a "big brother" t-shirt. Gary posted on Facebook. I had all of the pregnancy symptoms. It seemed official.
But, as of 3:00 today, I am officially not pregnant. The doctor was able to squeeze me in for a D&C to spare me from the horrible, bloody mess that was to come. She thought it would still end with an emergency D&C since I was so far along.
The procedure itself was a non event. They put me under, while my doctor held my hand. I didn't stay "under" as long as I would have liked to. I remember being wheeled into recovery and all the questions I asked and jokes I made. I remember my doctor telling me she was sorry and then giving me a hug. I replied with, "I really DO love you!" It was the drugs. Recovery was fairly easy. I did get sad. I rubbed my belly and the nurse asked me if I was having any pain, but I wasn't. I was just saying good bye. At that moment, I told God that I needed to hear from him. That I needed to know he was there, so I just tried to be quiet. It was hard to hear anything over the music so I kinda gave up. All of sudden that song, "Spirit it the sky" came on..."I gotta friend in Jesus..." Funny. I wonder if God has a sense of humor, and if that truly was his silly way of letting me hear him. After that, I felt a peace come over me and swear I heard a voice say, "You weren't ready". I spotted some diet coke in the corner and told the nurse I would feel better if I could have one. I figured if I'm not pregnant anymore, I can indulge in all of the things that I couldn't for 2 + months.
My husband has been my rock. He has been my emotional support, my comedian, my caregiver, my errand boy and protector. I don't know how people go through something like this without someone like this. I know he's hurting, too, but he's been strong for me and Gavin.
Our friend Tina was able to take off of work to watch Gavin until we got home. Her husband, Jonathan, stopped to pick up dinner for us on his way home from work. We're lucky to have them as friends.
It's easy to get sad about the baby we lost, but I look I the child that I have and feel so blessed. He is PERFECT. And he makes me so happy. I choose to focus on what I have, not what I don't. Hopefully, there will be another baby in the future, but if not, I have to trust that things happen for a reason.