The pain of loss...

I now know first hand why you should wait until the 2nd trimester (which is week 14, by the way) to tell people you are pregnant.  Today at my doctors appointment, we found out that the baby had no heartbeat, and that I was in the process of a miscarriage.  I think that was the hardest I've ever cried.  Ever.  No words can describe the disappointment and hurt I felt.  We were making plans and so very excited about our new addition. We waited 6 months to get a positive pregnancy test.  This baby was so wanted and already loved.

We told just about everyone we know.  The doctor said that our chance to have a baby in our arms was 97%.  We really liked those odds, so we told everyone.  Gavin even had a "big brother" t-shirt.  Gary posted on Facebook. I had all of the pregnancy symptoms.  It seemed official. 

But, as of 3:00 today, I am officially not pregnant.  The doctor was able to squeeze me in for a D&C to spare me from the horrible, bloody mess that was to come.  She thought it would still end with an emergency D&C since I was so far along.

The procedure itself was a non event.  They put me under, while my doctor held my hand.  I didn't stay "under" as long as I would have liked to.  I remember being wheeled into recovery and all the questions I asked and jokes I made.  I remember my doctor telling me she was sorry and then giving me a hug.  I replied with, "I really DO love you!" It was the drugs.  Recovery was fairly easy.  I did get sad.  I rubbed my belly and the nurse asked me if I was having any pain, but I wasn't.  I was just saying good bye.  At that moment, I told God that I needed to hear from him.  That I needed to know he was there, so I just tried to be quiet.  It was hard to hear anything over the music so I kinda gave up.  All of sudden that song, "Spirit it the sky" came on..."I gotta friend in Jesus..." Funny.  I wonder if God has a sense of humor, and if that truly was his silly way of letting me hear him.  After that, I felt a peace come over me and swear I heard a voice say, "You weren't ready".  I spotted some diet coke in the corner and told the nurse I would feel better if I could have one.  I figured if I'm not pregnant anymore, I can indulge in all of the things that I couldn't for 2 + months. 

My husband has been my rock.  He has been my emotional support, my comedian, my caregiver, my errand boy and protector.  I don't know how people go through something like this without someone like this.  I know he's hurting, too, but he's been strong for me and Gavin.

Our friend Tina was able to take off of work to watch Gavin until we got home.  Her husband, Jonathan, stopped to pick up dinner for us on his way home from work.  We're lucky to have them as friends. 
It's easy to get sad about the baby we lost, but I look I the child that I have and feel so blessed.  He is PERFECT.  And he makes me so happy.  I choose to focus on what I have, not what I don't.  Hopefully, there will be another baby in the future, but if not, I have to trust that things happen for a reason.

Father's Day 2011

This year for Father's Day, Gavin and I made Daddy breakfast in bed.  Gavin really is a huge help.  He's becoming more coordinated and can actually help pour and stir.  We decided to make waffles!

 Stirring up the waffle mix.

For dinner, we went to Kona Grill for some sushi.  Gavin always wants what Dada has, so Gary shared his sushi.  Here there are doing "cheers" with their sushi!

My Helpers

I've have been hit pretty bad with morning sickness with this pregnancy.  Of course, having a toddler makes resting almost impossible.  All of my energy was spent taking care of him and the house was a disaster!  To make matters worse, Gary was out of town two weeks back to back.  I got an unexpected offer for help...my mom and niece offered to make to 8 hour drive and spend the week with me.  So, I accepted.  My mom was a machine, vacuuming the whole house, doing laundry, cooking, changing sheets, feeding the dog, cleaning up dog poop, etc.  And my niece helped too.  She washed the dishes every night without being asked more than twice.  It was a huge weight off of my shoulders, and I felt much more relaxed.  It was nice to have the company, too.  Thanks mom.  I love you!  Finite.

Expecting...

It's official!  As of June 1st, we confirmed that I am 8 weeks pregnant with Marchand baby #2!  I told Gary the same way I told him with Gavin...a positive pregnancy test.  To me, seeing is believing, and there wasn't much I was able to say with the plethora of emotions I was feeling.  Gary was ecstatic!  I was ecstatic...and nervous.  Still am.  I wanted this baby for so many reasons.  The two most important reasons being:  I want to be able to enjoy all of the baby things over again minus the new parent paranoia, and I want Gavin to have a sibling that he can bond with and conspire against his parents.  I'm nervous, too.  It's difficult to do it on your own.  Gary and I have created this island that we are on with no family close by.  And, we aren't exactly social butterflies, either, with tons of friends...only a few close ones with lives and families of their own.  But, we will manage.  We will more than manage...we will thrive with our growing little family!!

We have been managing with the horrible nausea, heart burn, fatigue and headache I've been having for the past 3 weeks.  It's been pretty incapacitating.  My house is a wreck, and I feel like my poor son is neglected.  We watch movies, and he plays outside while I lounge on the patio furniture.  Poor daddy.  He picks up the slack where he can, but he's working full time at a job and comes home to more work.  He's happy to do it, though....most days :)  Dinner has been sad.  I stocked up on frozen pizzas and macaroni and cheese.  Gavin doesn't seem to mind.  I got yet more nausea medicine from my doctor that seems to be helping.  It at least lets me function.  I thought that I wanted three kids, but I told Gary to remind me of how miserable I was when I start talking about another baby!!  Yeah, yeah.  It's all worth it, but it's hard to see the end and imagine going through it again when you're in the midst of it!

We spread the news with a picture, via text message.  We got to Face Time Aunt Michelle, which was pretty cool.  She actually got to see Gavin wearing his "big brother" shirt.  She started to cry when she figured it out.  That was cool.  Seems several people already knew including but not limited to: my husband, my sister, Barbara and my mom.  Weird.  Everyone is really excited and knows that Gavin will be a great big brother!